Monday, June 05, 2006
Chocobos.
Kupo~. I know everyone wants their chocobos, but damn. It's not like chocobos equal God, kupo~.
We moogles are your God, whether you like it or not. And no stupid chocobo is gonna change that.
Remember those hallucinations you had in Jeuno and on the airship of seeing a moogle, kupo~?
That was your divine moment of proof moogles are God.
When you bring home a chocobo egg to hatch and raise, do not expect us to raise it for you, kupo~. If you do, don't expect a chocobo. Expect a baby chocobo that is brain damaged and drooling on your moghouse floor.
We moogles aren't too good with eggs. We like to eat them, shake them, throw them, the works. So for the chocobo's sake, keep them outta our reach, kupo~. And you better hide them good.
I don't care if you can get a chocobo that's blue with white polka dots. Or striped. Or zigzag patterns.
We are the ultimate god, kupo~. And nothing will change that. Not even having your own chocobo to worship.
Kupo~. I know everyone wants their chocobos, but damn. It's not like chocobos equal God, kupo~.
We moogles are your God, whether you like it or not. And no stupid chocobo is gonna change that.
Remember those hallucinations you had in Jeuno and on the airship of seeing a moogle, kupo~?
That was your divine moment of proof moogles are God.
When you bring home a chocobo egg to hatch and raise, do not expect us to raise it for you, kupo~. If you do, don't expect a chocobo. Expect a baby chocobo that is brain damaged and drooling on your moghouse floor.
We moogles aren't too good with eggs. We like to eat them, shake them, throw them, the works. So for the chocobo's sake, keep them outta our reach, kupo~. And you better hide them good.
I don't care if you can get a chocobo that's blue with white polka dots. Or striped. Or zigzag patterns.
We are the ultimate god, kupo~. And nothing will change that. Not even having your own chocobo to worship.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Visiting the Moogle Parents
After that little problem burning down East Sarutabaruta, I took a little vacation to see my parents. After all, can't be around the scene of the crime, now can I, kupo~?
And every time I visit, they expect presents. What am I, the money moogle kupo~? But I had a brilliant plan not to waste my money.
Moogle-chan: Taruun, go out and buy me a Power Bow and a beetle ring, kupo~. I'm going to go see Papa Moogle and Mama Moogle, they expect me to bring them something.
Taruun: Do it yourself, Moogle-chan. You know where the Auction House is.
Moogle-chan: But the Auction House counter is so high, kupo~! I can't reach it. Besides, your moogle safe is full and I'll upgrade your safe to have 10 extra slots. Plus, I'd hate to throw out all those beastman seals you have stored up just to fit another piece of equipment you bought, kupo~.
Taruun: *sigh* Fine. If it'll get you outta here a couple days, sure.
Moogle: Then hurry up and get it, biotch-kupo~!
She scurried to the Auction House and returned with my items.
Moogle-chan: Thanks, kupo~! I'll be on my way now.
So I made my way to Papa and Mama Moogle's house.
Papa: Moogle-chan, kupo~! I didn't expect to see you here again so soon. Here to borrow gil again?
Moogle-chan: No, Papa. I have plenty, kupo~. But I brought presents!
Mama: Presents? Please tell me its not a chainsaw like last time.
Moogle-chan: No its not a fricking chainsaw, kupo~. Here.
And I gave the Bow to Papa and the ring to Mama.
Papa: .....
Mama:.....
Moogle-chan: What's the matter, kupo~? Don't like my presents this time either?
Papa: Moogle-chan, let's have a talk, kupo~. Every present you brought us was either something we can't use, or something of mass destruction.
Moogle-chan: So? Isn't it the thought that counts, kupo~?
Papa: *sigh* Let me finish. For example, this Power Bow. How am I gonna use it, kupo~? I don't hunt.
Moogle-chan: You can always shoot adventurers with it, kupo~.
Mama: And this beetle ring, kupoo~. It's way too big for my tiny fingers. Its more like an armband.
Moogle-chan: I'm obligated to bring you two presents every time I come, kupo~, and you don't like them? Well fine! Don't expect to see me again, kupo~! Ungrateful little....
And so I stormed back to the moghouse. That is, after I did a bit of... boneworking.
Taruun: Where's my extra space?
Moogle-chan: Right here, kupo~. Don't mind the smell though.
Taruun: Thanks, Moogle-chan.. but... It looks a bit weird.
Moogle-chan: No worries, kupo~! Let's just say I don't have to visit my late parents anymore.
Taruun:...
Moogle-chan: What, kupo~?
Taruun: Where's my beastman seals? I need them for a fight.
Moogle-chan: Oops, kupo! Forgot to tell you, the beastmen wanted their seals back. So I gave them back to the relatives of the monsters you killed. Happy hunting, kupo~!
After that little problem burning down East Sarutabaruta, I took a little vacation to see my parents. After all, can't be around the scene of the crime, now can I, kupo~?
And every time I visit, they expect presents. What am I, the money moogle kupo~? But I had a brilliant plan not to waste my money.
Moogle-chan: Taruun, go out and buy me a Power Bow and a beetle ring, kupo~. I'm going to go see Papa Moogle and Mama Moogle, they expect me to bring them something.
Taruun: Do it yourself, Moogle-chan. You know where the Auction House is.
Moogle-chan: But the Auction House counter is so high, kupo~! I can't reach it. Besides, your moogle safe is full and I'll upgrade your safe to have 10 extra slots. Plus, I'd hate to throw out all those beastman seals you have stored up just to fit another piece of equipment you bought, kupo~.
Taruun: *sigh* Fine. If it'll get you outta here a couple days, sure.
Moogle: Then hurry up and get it, biotch-kupo~!
She scurried to the Auction House and returned with my items.
Moogle-chan: Thanks, kupo~! I'll be on my way now.
So I made my way to Papa and Mama Moogle's house.
Papa: Moogle-chan, kupo~! I didn't expect to see you here again so soon. Here to borrow gil again?
Moogle-chan: No, Papa. I have plenty, kupo~. But I brought presents!
Mama: Presents? Please tell me its not a chainsaw like last time.
Moogle-chan: No its not a fricking chainsaw, kupo~. Here.
And I gave the Bow to Papa and the ring to Mama.
Papa: .....
Mama:.....
Moogle-chan: What's the matter, kupo~? Don't like my presents this time either?
Papa: Moogle-chan, let's have a talk, kupo~. Every present you brought us was either something we can't use, or something of mass destruction.
Moogle-chan: So? Isn't it the thought that counts, kupo~?
Papa: *sigh* Let me finish. For example, this Power Bow. How am I gonna use it, kupo~? I don't hunt.
Moogle-chan: You can always shoot adventurers with it, kupo~.
Mama: And this beetle ring, kupoo~. It's way too big for my tiny fingers. Its more like an armband.
Moogle-chan: I'm obligated to bring you two presents every time I come, kupo~, and you don't like them? Well fine! Don't expect to see me again, kupo~! Ungrateful little....
And so I stormed back to the moghouse. That is, after I did a bit of... boneworking.
Taruun: Where's my extra space?
Moogle-chan: Right here, kupo~. Don't mind the smell though.
Taruun: Thanks, Moogle-chan.. but... It looks a bit weird.
Moogle-chan: No worries, kupo~! Let's just say I don't have to visit my late parents anymore.
Taruun:...
Moogle-chan: What, kupo~?
Taruun: Where's my beastman seals? I need them for a fight.
Moogle-chan: Oops, kupo! Forgot to tell you, the beastmen wanted their seals back. So I gave them back to the relatives of the monsters you killed. Happy hunting, kupo~!
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Moogle-chan and beds.
I love adventurers, kupo~.
That is to say, I love torturing them.
Taruun: I picked up some furniture for the house, Moogle-chan!
She dumps a bronze bed next to the wall.
Moogle-chan: Where did you get that POS from, kupo~?
Taruun: The Auction House of course, silly!
Moogle-chan: Ewwww, kupo~.... used furniture... Do you realize how many people could have used that bed?
Taruun: It looked all right to me..
I inspect it further. And its not pretty.
Stains, what looks like food, pee and I don't know what else all over it. Looks like a million other adventurers had used it.
Moogle-chan: I'm not fixing or cleaning that bed, kupo~. And you can't make me.
Taruun: But you have to! How else am I gonna use it?
Moogle-chan: Fine. Go out and adventure and I'll do what I can, kupo~..
So with the adventurer out of my hair and far away, I do the only sensible thing: I burn the bed, kupo~.
I took it out to East Sarutabaruta and lit it up. It burned nicely and gave off some good heat, which was the only good thing it did.
Moogle-chan: My job is done, kupo~! Time to go back into town!
I walk back into town and notice a few people zoning into the the town on fire.
Adventurers: AAUGGHHHHHHH!!! EAST SARUTABARUTA IS ON FIRE!! SAVE US!!!!
Oops. Oh well, not my problem now.
I love adventurers, kupo~.
That is to say, I love torturing them.
Taruun: I picked up some furniture for the house, Moogle-chan!
She dumps a bronze bed next to the wall.
Moogle-chan: Where did you get that POS from, kupo~?
Taruun: The Auction House of course, silly!
Moogle-chan: Ewwww, kupo~.... used furniture... Do you realize how many people could have used that bed?
Taruun: It looked all right to me..
I inspect it further. And its not pretty.
Stains, what looks like food, pee and I don't know what else all over it. Looks like a million other adventurers had used it.
Moogle-chan: I'm not fixing or cleaning that bed, kupo~. And you can't make me.
Taruun: But you have to! How else am I gonna use it?
Moogle-chan: Fine. Go out and adventure and I'll do what I can, kupo~..
So with the adventurer out of my hair and far away, I do the only sensible thing: I burn the bed, kupo~.
I took it out to East Sarutabaruta and lit it up. It burned nicely and gave off some good heat, which was the only good thing it did.
Moogle-chan: My job is done, kupo~! Time to go back into town!
I walk back into town and notice a few people zoning into the the town on fire.
Adventurers: AAUGGHHHHHHH!!! EAST SARUTABARUTA IS ON FIRE!! SAVE US!!!!
Oops. Oh well, not my problem now.
Friday, May 26, 2006
First day on the job.
Ah... the life of the Moogle.
Most of you adventurers think that we moogles are just here to serve you.
YOU THOUGHT WRONG.
Haven't you adventurers figured out, the more characters you create, the more moogles there are to dominate the world?
You're adding to our population, kupo~.
Thank you for your help.
Oh? You want to know more about me, kupo? Alright.. but this is a work in progress. Don't mind me, this device helps me to set mind-controlling techniques.
My life started in the quaint little town of Windurst. You know, the town that's overrun with midgets and naked catgirls. Almost reminds me of college towns, kupo~.
*bell rings*
Head Moogle: What now, kupo...? Another new adventurer coming in?
Boss Moogle: Yes, kupo! A new adventurer named Taruun was created! Send in Moogle-chan to help her out, kupo~!
Head Moogle: Do you really think that's a good idea, Boss Moogle-kupo? You know what happened last time....
Boss Moogle: Are you defying me, kupo~?! Just remember, there's hundreds of other moogles that could take your place while you rest in a shallow grave in East Sarutabaruta..
Head Moogle: Oh no, kupo~! Didn't mean anything like that at all! Sending Moogle-chan to Taruun's moghouse of deat-- I mean, pretty moghouse, kupoo~!
So that's how things started. I was having fun relaxing in town, handing out presents to unsuspecting adventurers. The wooden katana we had for the Sword Festival can kill you if used correctly.
Deliveryboy Moogle: Moogle-chan! You have a change of orders, kupo~!
Moogle-chan: Again? What, the last adventurer didn't die fast enough, kupo~? I thought I had gotten rid of them for good, stealing all their gil and banning their IP.
Deliveryboy Moogle: New adventurer on the way. Clean up their new moghouse and get it ready
for them, kupo~!
Moogle-chan: Alright, alright. Although it'll take hours.... with all the blood smeared on the walls and floor from the last adventurer. They never did find my secret horde of the stolen gil. Think it was too much for them, kupo~... Ended up bashing themselves w/ a Kraken club I had found on the Auction House for 50 gil.
Delivery Moogle: Hurry up, kupo~! Taruun will arrive any minute!
Moogle-chan: OK, OK! I'm on my way, kupo~!
So I made my way over to the moghouse section of Windurst. I stepped inside and nearly keeled over from the stench.
Moogle-chan: Oh my, kupo~! Oh well, I'll let the new person clean up. It's not my house, kupo~.
Taruun: Hello, Moogle! I'm here!
Moogle-chan: Hello, kupo~! My name is Moogle-chan.
Taruun: Moogle-chan... why is there blood on the walls and floor? And oh my god, the stench! Open a window and let the place air out!
Moogle-chan: This place has no windows, kupo~.
Taruun: OK, OK, then open the door.
Moogle-chan: Can't do that either, kupo~. What if someone came in here and stole all your items? I'd feel bad, kupo~... (NOT.)
Taruun: Fine. Clean up the place, I'm going out and fighting some monsters.
Moogle-chan: No way, kupo~! I'm not your servant! Clean it up yourself, that's why you have arms and hands, kupo~!
Taruun: ... I thought you were supposed to be helpful....
Moogle-chan: I am, kupo~! I'm giving you helpful advice!
Taruun: *sigh* Fine. I'll clean it up. But since I'm short, you gotta help me with the high spots!
Moogle-chan: Sure, kupo! I'll lift you up!
Took Taruun 3 hours to get it cleaned up. God, I love my new job of torturing--- I mean helping my new victim-- oops, another mistake, kupo~!-- adventurer.
Most of you adventurers think that we moogles are just here to serve you.
YOU THOUGHT WRONG.
Haven't you adventurers figured out, the more characters you create, the more moogles there are to dominate the world?
You're adding to our population, kupo~.
Thank you for your help.
Oh? You want to know more about me, kupo? Alright.. but this is a work in progress. Don't mind me, this device helps me to set mind-controlling techniques.
My life started in the quaint little town of Windurst. You know, the town that's overrun with midgets and naked catgirls. Almost reminds me of college towns, kupo~.
*bell rings*
Head Moogle: What now, kupo...? Another new adventurer coming in?
Boss Moogle: Yes, kupo! A new adventurer named Taruun was created! Send in Moogle-chan to help her out, kupo~!
Head Moogle: Do you really think that's a good idea, Boss Moogle-kupo? You know what happened last time....
Boss Moogle: Are you defying me, kupo~?! Just remember, there's hundreds of other moogles that could take your place while you rest in a shallow grave in East Sarutabaruta..
Head Moogle: Oh no, kupo~! Didn't mean anything like that at all! Sending Moogle-chan to Taruun's moghouse of deat-- I mean, pretty moghouse, kupoo~!
So that's how things started. I was having fun relaxing in town, handing out presents to unsuspecting adventurers. The wooden katana we had for the Sword Festival can kill you if used correctly.
Deliveryboy Moogle: Moogle-chan! You have a change of orders, kupo~!
Moogle-chan: Again? What, the last adventurer didn't die fast enough, kupo~? I thought I had gotten rid of them for good, stealing all their gil and banning their IP.
Deliveryboy Moogle: New adventurer on the way. Clean up their new moghouse and get it ready
for them, kupo~!
Moogle-chan: Alright, alright. Although it'll take hours.... with all the blood smeared on the walls and floor from the last adventurer. They never did find my secret horde of the stolen gil. Think it was too much for them, kupo~... Ended up bashing themselves w/ a Kraken club I had found on the Auction House for 50 gil.
Delivery Moogle: Hurry up, kupo~! Taruun will arrive any minute!
Moogle-chan: OK, OK! I'm on my way, kupo~!
So I made my way over to the moghouse section of Windurst. I stepped inside and nearly keeled over from the stench.
Moogle-chan: Oh my, kupo~! Oh well, I'll let the new person clean up. It's not my house, kupo~.
Taruun: Hello, Moogle! I'm here!
Moogle-chan: Hello, kupo~! My name is Moogle-chan.
Taruun: Moogle-chan... why is there blood on the walls and floor? And oh my god, the stench! Open a window and let the place air out!
Moogle-chan: This place has no windows, kupo~.
Taruun: OK, OK, then open the door.
Moogle-chan: Can't do that either, kupo~. What if someone came in here and stole all your items? I'd feel bad, kupo~... (NOT.)
Taruun: Fine. Clean up the place, I'm going out and fighting some monsters.
Moogle-chan: No way, kupo~! I'm not your servant! Clean it up yourself, that's why you have arms and hands, kupo~!
Taruun: ... I thought you were supposed to be helpful....
Moogle-chan: I am, kupo~! I'm giving you helpful advice!
Taruun: *sigh* Fine. I'll clean it up. But since I'm short, you gotta help me with the high spots!
Moogle-chan: Sure, kupo! I'll lift you up!
Took Taruun 3 hours to get it cleaned up. God, I love my new job of torturing--- I mean helping my new victim-- oops, another mistake, kupo~!-- adventurer.
